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The Cost of Hiding My Feelings
In this deeply personal reflection, I share how years of emotional suppression made me feel more like a robot than a human and how shows like The Vampire Diaries helped me see the power of “turning my humanity back on.” This post explores what it means to reconnect with your emotions, creativity, and authenticity after years of survival mode. If you’ve ever felt numb, disconnected, or “too much,” this story is your reminder that feeling deeply isn’t a weakness but your greatest strength.
11/9/20252 min read
A little fun fact about me is I love the TV shows The Vampire Diaries and The Originals. There is something fascinating about how they talk about “turning their humanity off.” When vampires flip that switch, they become emotionless, no guilt, no pain, no fear. They still exist, but they stop feeling.
Hiding My Feelings
The first time I cried in front of someone, she looked at me and said, “I thought you were a robot.” Her words stuck with me longer than the tears did. It wasn’t meant to be cruel but her just being honest. That’s how people saw me most of my life: expressionless, unreadable, a blank page no one could figure out.
Sometimes I think back to those vampire shows and realize I had done the same thing. I had “turned off my humanity.” I didn’t lose it; I just learned to switch it off so I wouldn’t feel everything everywhere all at once. It wasn’t about being heartless. It was survival. But just like in the shows, living without feeling eventually costs you everything that makes life meaningful. I’m learning now that feeling, even when it hurts is what keeps me human. Turning my humanity back on isn’t easy, but it’s real. And I’d rather feel deeply than live in emotional darkness pretending it doesn’t matter.
The Misunderstandings
The truth is, I’ve always felt everything and I just learned to hide it. Growing up, showing emotion wasn’t safe. Anger led to arguments, sadness to ridicule, vulnerability to judgment. So I built walls of silence and logic. I learned to swallow my feelings before they could escape. Eventually, people stopped expecting me to feel at all.
Even in small ways, that disconnect showed up. People would make fun of how I texted saying I sounded “too formal,” or “like a robot.” I’d write, “I’d love to join as well,” instead of “me too.” One person even asked me how to spell “too” in college. It felt like being told: “You don’t belong you’re speaking something else entirely.” But that’s what happens when you hide yourself for too long. People start believing the mask more than the person underneath it.
Feeling Deeply, Just Quietly
What they didn’t see was the storm I carried quietly: anger I didn’t know how to release, sadness too heavy to share, and fear that if I opened up, everything would fall apart. So I didn’t. I stayed calm. Contained. Invisible. Until that moment, when tears finally fell uninvited and someone said, “I thought you were a robot.” That moment hurt, but it also cracked something open in me. For the first time, someone saw my humanity even if it surprised them.
Learning to Be Seen
Now I’m learning that hiding my feelings didn’t protect me; it disconnected me. And while expressing myself still feels uncomfortable sometimes, I’d rather be awkwardly human than perfectly numb. So if you’ve ever been called cold, distant, or robotic maybe you’re not any of those things. Maybe you’ve just survived in silence too long. Maybe it’s time to let people see that you do feel deeply even if the world isn’t sure how to handle it.
Being real will always be worth more than being perfect. Just like turning your humanity back on, you can turn your creativity back on. Book a Creative Breakthrough Session and break free from blocks, rediscover your unique voice, and start creating without holding back.